With the proper beer a man can do just about anything.
With too many of the proper beers, a man can accomplish nothing.
-Kimo
Holy Mackeral and Agave #2
The Beer Goddess and I moved into our current home about a year and a half ago. We loved everything about the landscape, except for two large Agave plants. They are about 5 feet tall and 6 feet across. They have sharp little teeth on the outer edges of the leaf (not sure its called a leaf, but what the heck, this is a beer website not a plant web site) and each leaf has a 2 inch long needle sharp point. On numerous occasions they have reached out and attacked me as I walked by (basta*ds!). I think I heard them laugh one time. So for months now I’ve had a plan that once cooler weather arrived, I would take them out.
My attack plans revolve around Agave #1. Foolproof I thought. I would perfect the techniques on Agave #1 and the Agave #2 would fall easily. Finally, on the day of the planned Agave attack, I grabbed a Yuengling out of the fridge and went to war. I donned my leather gloves and several pruning saws, a pruning nipper, a shovel, a wheelbarrow, a sledgehammer, and a tree trimmer saw. As I approached Agave #1 I could swear I saw the leaves sway a bit in fear. I took a swig of beer and started attacking the plant. As I tried to work into a good pruning position, one of the sharp barbs got my arm. Son of a Bit*h! I backed away and survey the battlefield again. I took another swig of beer and decided I had to clear an area which would allow me to get to the other leaves. An Agave beachhead so to speak. So I grabbed the longer handle clippers and nipped off the sharp barbs of a handful of leaves. With a small area cleared of the dangerous points, I could now work in closer to the main trunk and begin to saw away the leaves where they met the main stalk. Now by now that you are asking yourself what the heck does this have to do with beer? Just keep reading my friends and you will see.
As each leaf was cut away, I would carry the dismembered leaf over to the wheel barrow. I had gloves on and as long as I stayed away from the barbs and points everything would be fine. Or so I thought. At first the agave sap running down my arms felt cool. Almost refreshing. A few minutes later the burning started. Hmm, my Agave war plans had not included anything about burning sap. Must just be some small scrapes or something. So the attack continued. In short enough time all of the leaves were removed and all that was left was a stump. I gulped down some more beer. Started digging around the stump with the shovel to loosen it up a bit. Finally I was ready to start prying the stump out with my landscape bar. I worked the bar under the plant and gave it a mighty push. Nothing. Not a budge. I retreated a bit for a swig of beer. I went in for another attempt and managed to move it less than a budge. Holy Sh*t I thought. This was one tough little sucker. As I finished my beer I knew I would need another before this ordeal was over.
Back in the kitchen I opened the fridge. My mind was still on the Agave, Holy Sh*t this is going to be tougher than I thought. Well I was fairly certain I didn’t have any Holy Sh*t beer, but then I saw the Holy Mackerel sitting on the shelf. Hmm Holy Sh*t …. Holy Mackerel. Pretty closely named. So I grabbed it and started drinking. The beer was Holy Mackerel’s Mack in Black, an Imperial Black Ale. Mighty good stuff. The Holy Mackerel gave me the strength and energy I needed and after 15 more minutes of prying and root chopping and name calling, the stump was out of the ground. Once again, beer comes to my rescue.
To The Victors go the Beer!
Aftermath:
Both Agave #1 and Agave #2 are now gone. So are all of my bottles of Holy Mackerel. But the saga continues. My wrists and arms are covered in red spots. It looks like a mosquito squadron attacked me. But these are not from the sharp edges or the pointed tips. They are from the sap that touched my skin Evidently the sap of the Agave is highly toxic. Some people report that the itching can last for up to a year. I think I’m going to need a lot more beer in the coming year.
Attack of the Agave Sap
Light Bulb Moment: Wouldn’t a beer called “Holy Sh*t” be a great name? Just imagine a commercial where a man takes a sip of a bottle with the “Holy Sh*t” label visible and exclaims…” Holy Sh*t (with a bleep sound), that’s good beer”